Kate’s blog

I hate insecure, snobby, immature girls. Sometimes i don’t know why i try anymore– i just always feel let down. I think that perhaps i have a connection with someone, next time i see them. They almost “snarl” at me. I’m like “what the hell” did i ever do?! To you!? People are just very un-accepting. I love attending Concordia. But i just can’t stand the people here. I wonder if it’s just me, but i don’t think it is. It’s so frustrating. I feel like i lack support. I try to do all the “right” things, and try to the best of my capabilities to involve myself and be persistent to make friends. When i try, it fails. Im myself, do i necessarily need to change my self to become more “likeable” or to “fit into the expected mold”. Automatically, i wish i could say “no”. But the pressure is starting to get to me. But i try to “fit in” and it’s fruitless. I find it so frustrating, and sometimes i just want to cry.

No one really cares here. Everyone “pretends” to care, but it’s all fake. It’s all a veiled facade.

Maybe. It is something about me. Am i just way to insecure and judgmental myself? Am i over-reacting? I don’t feel like i am.. but it just hurts. Almost like a stabbing mechanism. Times like these, makes me wonder about attending PSU.

So today i helped out with the bake sale for the yoga club. Helping to fund raise for the club. It was interesting to sit there and be able to people watch. Also interact with other fellow students that i know, that not always am i given an opportunity to do so. It was lovely.

It seems like lately in my dreams, Daniel has been popping up a lot. It’s interesting. Today is raining, and i’m realizing that winter has officially started. I am not looking forward to it. So laura is coming up for the weekend, and i’m pretty excited about that. I haven’t seen her since i left for college in August. I have so much to tell her, like stuff involving me and Daniel. I’m kinda nervous about it, cause i know her opinion on the whole thing. It’s not something that i regret doing, but i don’t like to disappoint her. I don’t want her opinion of him to be tainted. Things have been going good between the two of us, we’ve yet to have a fight since last friday. All and all that is a relief. Hopefully, we are out of that rough patch. It’s crazy to think that in a week, he and i have been together for 2 months. It doesn’t feel like it. It seems only like a week or two. I cause thats a good thing. He really doesn’t add a lot of stress into my life. Only when we fight, which is a healthy thing to talk about stuff that bothers us. At times i feel scared how much i truly do love him, and how much of an emotional connection we have. I think we have more of a one then what i had with Daniel Crawford. It’s even scarier to think that he’d be able to convince me to do whatever, i would do it for him. Even if i didn’t want too.

I’m starting to form a new outlook on life. I think that Daniel has helped  me mellow out and get everything out of my system. I am now ready to get back to my relationship with God and figuring out what is important to me in my life right now. I’m also proud to say that i haven’t drank anything in 6 weeks. Sara has been noticing a change. Daniel and I have decided to take a break from being so physical, i think that’ll be a good thing. We don’t need that as an evaluation of anything. I care for him so much. He’s good for me. I think i’m realizing that we do have a healthy relationship. Going to this girl talk thing tonight, helped me realize that i do have a quite a bit of baggage. I’m not sure that i’ve properly dealt with. Such as the sexual harassment i received from Eduardo when i was barely 16 and he was 23. Also that incident that occurred with Peter, when he used me. It was destructive when it came to my self-esteem level. Then that incident that happened with Joey. I still to this day wondered exactly what happened that night, if something went farther then it really did. I don’t remember, that is pretty scary in it self. I’ve had so many un-healthy relationships that  no kidding i have no idea what a healthy relationship actually IS. It’s interesting to see how this all effects things in your life.

I got almost 9 hours of sleep today. It’s surprising to realize how getting a good night’s sleep effects everything so positively. I think writing about how i feel last night helped me a lot to prioritize things. Not to take things and internalize them and take it to personally. I also talked to Daniel about the whole thing last night, and he realized how much of a struggle im going through. A few times i felt like he was lecturing me. Telling me things i already know–and then finally he started to realize that i AM trying. But it’s hard. Then he started falling asleep on the phone, so we got off. I think we made some head way. I know he supports me, but at the same time it’s one of these “it’s easier said then done” things.

My goal is going to be reach out and encourage friendships that are healthy for me. That the desire to be friends is reciprocated. I think that journaling my feelings will help me alot, it’ll be an outlet for me to write this all out. Plus, I really think i’m going to take up running again. I need to get these endorphins going inside of me.

The sandwhich guy made me laugh and smile today. He knows exactly what i like on my sandwhich. Because i get the same thing every day. Except yesterday i switched it up a bit, and he commented on that today and made it known that he didn’t like it when i did that. I teased Daniel about that he may have some competition from the sandwhich guy. Considering the sandwhich guy knows how i like it. Aha.

So maybe it’s not necessarily me. I am realizing that i’m taking all the blame for things that are not necessarily my problem. What if i just don’t clique with the people who are here. What if i would have a better fit somewhere else. I’m hoping to get it into my head, thats its not necessarily “me”. Perhaps it’s them. Weird concept, huh? Not really. So my mission is to continue being me, but i need to do my part of getting involved with people. Find my mission to find a good friend here. Now that Mercedes is leaving me. We haven’t been hanging out as much, and of course i automatically blame it on me. But. I’m realizing that perhaps it’s the weather effecting her mood swings. I’m realizing that i’m very much become way to focused on my studies. I need to get out there, and find time to hang out with people in my day. Not to become someone who is “Out of sight, out of mind..”  I need to change that.

This whole new philosophy will perhaps help me. re-focus, re-engergize,re-prioritize.

1. Mercedes

2. Olivia

3. Erik

4. Heather

5. Micaela

Write 10 things to 10 anonymous people.

1. I wish you didn’t judge me about my choices. It’s my life, not yours. So back off.

2. Even though we don’t talk since we both left for college. I still consider you my best friend. I love you to pieces.

3. I feel like you are surprised that i’m in a relationship for as long as i’ve been. I do have this feeling that you think it’s un-healthy or has a lot of problems. Far from it. More healthy with him then i ever was with you.

4. I love you. You’re my best friend. I worry about you a lot, usually subconsiously. I wish we talked as much as we use too. I’m sad knowing i won’t see you next summer. I’ll always be there for you.

5. You are an ass hole for using me like you did. I don’t regret telling you about losing my v-card. You deserved it. If anything else, to realize you lost some thing awesome. But then again, i would have never given it to you. I hope you are happy with a dull/boring gf.

6.  I can’t express how much you mean to me and how much i love you. We have many awesome memories that i treasure. I can’t imagine not being with you.

7. It makes me sad that all three of you pushed me out of your life, especially when i left for college. I feel like you were just using me and waiting for me to fail. I really don’t need you in my life.

8. I wish you would go for someone your own age. It’s not healthy.

9. You are beautiful the way you are. I’m sorry for my comments. Keep going forward, and i love you so much sissy.

10. I’m sorry that we don’t talk any more–I’m not sure what happened. But we both changed. I changed. I’m sorry.